Let’s be real—every relationship has its ups and downs, and disagreements are bound to happen. If you’ve ever wondered, “Is it normal to fight with my partner?” or “Does this mean something is wrong with us?”, you’re not alone. The good news is that fighting—when done in a healthy way—is completely normal and can even be beneficial for your relationship. When approached with respect and the goal of problem-solving, fights can help couples understand each other better and work through different issues that inevitably arise.
But here’s the thing: not all fights are created equal. There’s a big difference between healthy conflict that leads to growth and unhealthy fighting that can hurt the relationship. So, how do you tell the difference between normal, productive disagreements and red flags? And what’s the best way to approach fights in a way that brings you closer rather than pushing you apart? Let’s break it down.
Why Do Couples Fight in the First Place?
Before we dive into how to handle conflict, it’s important to understand why couples fight in the first place. It often comes down to the fact that we’re all different people with our own perspectives and backgrounds. Whether it’s something small—like whose turn it is to do the dishes—or something bigger, like money or family matters, disagreements happen when two people share their lives together.
Dr. John Gottman, a well-known relationship expert, has spent years studying how couple fights work. He found that healthy couples don’t avoid conflict altogether—they argue, but they do it in a way that leads to understanding and mutual respect. Frequent fights don’t necessarily mean the relationship is unhealthy; it’s all about how those fights are handled.
The Benefits of Healthy Fights in a Relationship
Let’s talk about healthy conflict first. It’s totally normal for couples to have disagreements, and it can even be a positive thing. When done right, healthy arguments can help couples express their true feelings, find common ground, and ultimately strengthen their relationship.
Here are some signs of a healthy fight:
- Both of you are actively listening to each other and not just waiting for your turn to talk.
- You stay focused on the real issue and don’t bring up unrelated past grievances or take cheap shots.
- By the end of the conversation, both of you feel heard, respected, and ready to move forward.
The best way to approach disagreements is to see them as opportunities to learn more about your partner. Fights can reveal a lot about each other’s values, communication styles, and how you both deal with stress and emotions. When handled well, conflicts can actually bring you closer.
When Does Fighting Become a Problem?
On the flip side, if you find yourselves fighting all the time, it could be a sign of deeper issues that aren’t being resolved. Constant fighting might point to fundamental differences, poor communication, or even a growing emotional distance between you and your partner.
So, how do you know when it’s time to worry? Here are some red flags that indicate your fighting might be unhealthy:
- You’re having the same arguments over and over without ever resolving them.
- One or both of you are saying mean things or using hurtful language that leaves lasting emotional scars.
- Fights frequently end in the silent treatment, or worse, escalate into emotional abuse or domestic violence.
- There’s little or no open communication—one partner may feel afraid or unable to share their thoughts or feelings.
If your fights are becoming more hostile or emotionally damaging, it’s time to reassess the health of your relationship. Constant fighting is emotionally draining and will likely hurt both of you in the long run.
How Often Should Couples Fight?
Is there an ideal number of fights a couple should have? Honestly, no. Every relationship is different, and the frequency of arguments depends on factors like personalities, how you communicate, and how much stress you’re under. Some couples are more vocal and may argue often, while others are more laid-back and avoid conflict.
What really matters isn’t how often you argue but how you argue. Couples who engage in productive conversations and approach conflict with empathy and understanding will find that their disagreements actually help build a stronger relationship.
Healthy Fights vs. Unhealthy Fights
So, what’s the difference between a healthy fight and an unhealthy one? In a healthy relationship, both partners should feel free to express themselves without fear of judgment or retribution. You should be able to talk openly about your needs and true feelings, but always with respect for your partner’s point of view.
Here’s what healthy arguments look like:
- You both try to understand each other’s point of view and are open to compromise.
- You use kind words instead of insults, and you take responsibility when you’ve made a mistake.
- You find a solution together, rather than just trying to “win” the argument.
On the flip side, unhealthy fighting often involves:
- Defensiveness or a refusal to admit when you’re wrong.
- Dragging past issues into the argument, which often makes things worse.
- Insults, name-calling, or other forms of emotional harm.
- An inability to find common ground, leaving both partners feeling hurt or disconnected.
If most of your fights fall into the unhealthy category, it might be time to look into getting some extra support.
How Couples Therapy Can Help
If you and your partner are stuck in a cycle of constant fighting, it might be a good idea to seek professional help. Seeing a licensed therapist or engaging in couples therapy can give both of you a safe space to talk about what’s really going on. A therapist can help you understand the root cause of your fights, improve your communication styles, and teach you better ways to handle conflict.
Working with a family therapist or relationship expert can provide insights into the bigger picture. Sometimes, underlying issues like trust, commitment, or even mental health concerns can fuel conflicts, and getting to the heart of these issues is key to resolving them.
Fighting is a Natural Part of Relationships
Here’s a common misconception: happy couples don’t fight. This simply isn’t true. Even the happiest couples argue from time to time, and that’s okay. Learning to navigate conflict is a natural part of any long-term relationship.
For some couples, the first fight can feel like a big hurdle. But as time goes on, you’ll realize that disagreements are simply a way of working through your different opinions and perspectives. The worst thing you can do is ignore the issues, sweep your negative feelings under the rug, and pretend that everything is fine when it’s not. Doing so leads to hidden resentments and poor communication, which can ultimately damage the relationship.
Instead, embrace conflict as a chance to grow and learn. Couples who fight in a healthy way and work together to find solutions are more likely to experience positive change and build a deeper bond.
Practical Tips for Arguing in a Healthy Way
Here are a few things you can try to make sure your next argument is a healthy conflict:
- Practice Active Listening
Truly listening to your partner is one of the most important skills in conflict resolution. Give your partner the space to explain their thoughts without interrupting, and reflect back what you’ve heard to make sure you understand. - Avoid Personal Attacks
Focus on the issue at hand. It’s easy to start blaming or using hurtful language in the heat of the moment, but this will only make things worse. - Take Breaks if Needed
If the argument starts to escalate, it’s okay to take a break. Give yourselves time to calm down and return to the conversation with a clearer head. - Find Common Ground
Rather than trying to “win” the fight, focus on finding a solution that works for both of you. Ask yourselves: What’s the best way to solve this together? - Watch Your Tone and Language
How you say something can be just as important as what you say. Using a calm, respectful tone will make it easier for your partner to hear and understand you.
When Fighting Becomes a Red Flag
While it’s normal to fight, there are certain red flags to watch out for. If your fights regularly devolve into hurtful language, silent treatment, or emotional harm, it’s a sign that something more serious may be at play. Constant fighting, unresolved issues, or emotional abuse can take a toll on both partners’ mental health, and if this is happening in your relationship, it’s crucial to get professional help.
Final Thoughts: Fighting Can Be Healthy—When Done Right
Arguments are a normal part of any relationship, but it’s how you handle them that determines whether they’ll help or hurt your relationship. Couples who learn to approach conflict with empathy, understanding, and open communication are more likely to build a lasting, stronger relationship.
If you’re finding it difficult to navigate conflict in your relationship or feel like your arguments are doing more harm than good, you don’t have to go through it alone. Couples therapy can provide the tools and guidance you need to fight in a way that brings you closer together rather than pulling you apart.
If you’d like to work on this, please contact Danni at Perth Family Therapy for an obligation-free 15-minute conversation. Let’s start building a healthier, happier relationship today!